The Blame Game

When we as educators and parents run into a child that we have difficulty understanding or controlling, we tend to want to blame someone. It is easy for us to look for and find the reasons for a child’s behavior somewhere else. It never occurs to us that perhaps the way treat a child may have something to do with the child’s behavior. Many times educators over react to a child’s actions by putting expectations on the child that are impossible for the child to fulfill. Having said that, I will be the first to tell you that we should have high expectations for our children’s behavior. We should expect children to engage in their learning and to act in an acceptable fashion. I always tell a child that, when his behavior begins to affect the education of others, we will take whatever action is necessary to stop the behavior. We cannot let one child steal the education of another and that is exactly what happens when a teacher has to stop and deal with a behavior problem in class. On the other hand, sometimes parents do not want the child to have any responsibility for their actions. It is easy to believe that your child is always acting appropriately. After all, who wants to be the parent of a behavior problem child? Well, the reality is that sometimes even the best children will find themselves in a situation that is unacceptable and their ability to deal with it turns out to be inadequate. If that were not the case, we would have perfect children. The question is, how do we react to the behavior. Do we look to blame someone else? Teachers and parents alike make the same mistake. The mistake is to expect a child to be an adult with the same experiences and life skills. We want to assume that because a young child or teenager has been told something that they should now be able to perform it in the proper fashion automatically. And yet, watch the behavior of “adults” sometime and see how little we change even with life experience. For example, the next time you are in a meeting and someone is in front of the group talking, look around at the adults rudely talking while the person in front is speaking. If a child were to do the same in class or at home we would quickly rebuke them and tell them the behavior is unacceptable. So is it now acceptable as an adult? It is our responsibility as parents and teachers to remember that children are in various stages of development and they progress along that continuum at different speeds. We should not over react or under react. We need to make sure we look for causes of behavior other than the child is just “ornery” or “bad.” They are neither! They are young people trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. They will wear clothes that will make you angry and they will listen to music that sounds like noise, but they are still the future. Have a little love and empathy. Remember we are all basically children with wrinkled skin. And surely, everyone is a Beatles fan right? No one is to blame!